Separation anxiety in babies and toddlers

Separation anxiety is a normal phase of development that all young children go through. Typically speaking, it starts at 9 months and declines around 18 months but may begin earlier and linger longer. We’ll help you recognize the signs, cope with symptoms and provide tips for handling separation anxiety in both you and your child.

IN THIS ARTICLE:

What is separation anxiety?

When does separation anxiety start in babies?

How long does separation anxiety last in babies and toddlers?

What are the signs and symptoms of separation anxiety in babies?

Five tips to help your baby with separation anxiety

Takeaway

FAQ about separation anxiety in babies

What is separation anxiety?

By definition, separation anxiety in young children can be upsetting. It's upsetting for the baby who is being left by the parent and it's upsetting to the parent who can’t leave without their baby dissolving into tears. But just because it is upsetting doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong.

In fact, you can take your child’s tears as a sign of healthy development. It means they now understand there is an important distinction between you and every other adult in their life and their very survival is dependent upon maintaining a close and ongoing connection to you. This is a good thing.

Is separation anxiety a disorder?

Separation anxiety in infancy and toddlerhood is distinctly different than in older children. For children above the age of 6 years old, it may be indicative of Separation Anxiety Disorder [1] and require treatment. 

However, separation anxiety in babies and toddlers is the result of a normal developmental shift in their understanding of themselves in relation to caregivers. Most often, this occurs simultaneously when learning how to crawl and/or walk.

Think about it: Until your baby or toddler could crawl or walk, they went wherever you went. So when they finally learn to move away from you on their own, your baby is starting to realize that the two of you aren’t physically connected.

Your baby now understands that they're separate from the person they depend on for care and safety. Such a mind-blowing discovery is, understandably, anxiety-provoking.

When does separation anxiety start in babies?

3 to 7 months

The precursor stage known as stranger anxiety starts as early as 3 months old, but most commonly occurs at 5 months old. This is when babies first start to recognize the difference between their primary caregivers and other adults.

Your baby may exhibit stranger anxiety around close relatives or even the less involved parent but don’t take this as a sign that your baby doesn’t love them. At this stage of development, their preference is simply based on who cares for them most often.

9 to 10 months

Infant separation anxiety usually kicks in after 8 months, when your baby first starts to explore away from you. [2] This newfound freedom is accompanied by genuine anxiety over the realization they aren't attached to you, the person they've relied on for every need.

To make things more intense for your infant, they're now also developing a sense of object permanence - the understanding that when an object is out of sight, it continues to exist. They know their parent hasn’t completely vanished and may be in the next room. Crying is how babies express their desire for you to come back.

If you're curious about what happens during this month, glimpse into what you might experience with the 9 month old milestones.

12 to 18 months

Depending on the child, separation anxiety may increase or decrease as they go from crawling to walking. (Check out our when do babies start walking article to learn more on walking.) However, by this stage, toddlers start to understand that when their parents leave, they always return. Continued practice with coming and going in settings such as daycare helps decrease anxiety. Their increasing language skills also help toddlers cope more effectively with their parent absence.

How long does separation anxiety last in babies and toddlers?

How long this phase lasts varies greatly and depends on the child. Babies who take more time to warm up to new social situations tend to experience symptoms longer. However, the separation anxiety peak, when their distress is at its highest, usually ends after a few weeks for most babies.

Toddlers may exhibit less intense separation anxiety, and for longer periods of time, because of their improved memory and awareness of their environment. For those frantically searching "when does separation anxiety end" about their pre-schooler, you're not alone. It’s not uncommon for young children to experience some distress when separating from their parents until 3 years old. [3] However, the intensity of symptoms typically starts decreasing around 18 months.

What are the signs of separation anxiety in babies and toddlers?

Separation anxiety signs are usually easy to spot in young children. The main ones include intense crying and clinginess. However, not all children will exhibit these signs.

Other common signs include:

Avoiding a less-preferred caregiver

When this occurs it’s important not to force your child into the arms of someone they're actively trying to avoid. Instead, give them time to gradually warm up on their own to the caregiver whenever possible. You can assign this person a specific caregiving task that she always does, such as feeding or dressing, so that your child gets used to having someone other than a parent look after these needs.

A lack of exploration

When babies and toddlers are stressed, they lose interest in exploring their environment. Engaging them through interesting objects and interactive play is a great way to regain their attention and lower their stress levels.

Tantrums

While infants tend to show dissatisfaction over parents leaving through tears, toddlers often express anger. This escalation of emotion can be particularly upsetting to parents. However, it’s important to respond to your toddler’s temper tantrums with the same sensitivity you use for their tears. Tantrums are a sign of genuine distress and anxiety, not misbehavior.

5 tips to help your baby with separation anxiety

It's important to remind you this is a normal, unavoidable part of the attachment process. As challenging as it may be for both you and your child, there are several strategies you can use to proactively deal with this temporary phase of development.

Here are our top tips to relieve separation anxiety in you and your child:

Tip #1: Take time to introduce your child to the new caregiver/environment

Gradually increase the amount of time that you leave your child with a new caregiver. This not only helps build trust but also helps them learn how to tolerate being away from you. Expect this process to take a few days or weeks, depending on the level of anxiety in your child. The more anxiety your child has, the more gradual the process should be.

Tip #2: Show confidence in your baby and the caregiver she’s being left with

Anxiety is contagious. If you respond with your own anxiety, it only serves to intensify your baby's emotions. Instead show confidence in your baby and their caregiver by taking some deep breaths, maintaining a relaxed body and facial expression, and using a positive tone of voice when you drop them off.

Tip #3: Always say goodbye and let them know when you’ll be coming back

When your baby is in the throes of detachment anxiety, it can be tempting to sneak away when they're not looking. However, disappearing on your child out of the blue may inadvertently lead to decreased trust and cause more anxiety in the long run. It also deprives your child of the opportunity to practice saying goodbye, which over time, helps them become more comfortable with you leaving. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends being as specific as your child will understand; for example, let them know that you will be home after bath and before bedtime. [4]

Tip #4: Don’t linger

While it’s important to make sure you check in with your baby before leaving, avoid dragging out the process as this may prolong their anxiety. Instead, say a few comforting words, give a quick cuddle to calm their body down, then say goodbye. It’s incredibly common to be feeling guilty, sad, and/or anxious upon leaving your baby when they're feeling anxious. But allowing your baby to deal with their anxiety without your presence is what helps her to build resilience and develop confidence that she will, indeed, be okay without you there. (It's also totally normal to cry when you get back to the car. We've all been there!)

Tip #5: Create a goodbye ritual using baby sign and a comfort item from home

As mentioned earlier, saying goodbye is important to maintain trust in your relationship. You can turn your goodbye into a fun and comforting ritual by giving your child an item from home that reminds them of you and by sticking to the same set of words and gestures each time you leave. Incorporating the baby sign for work into the ritual (if you’re leaving to go to work) may reduce anxiety as it helps them understand where you’ll be while you’re gone. For example: Leave baby with a favorite stuffed animal, show the sign for work, squeeze them tight, sing “I love you and I’ll be back soon,” and then blow three kisses goodbye. When this is done consistently enough, your baby may even, eventually, look forward to saying goodbye to you!

Takeaway

• Separation anxiety in babies and toddlers is a normal part of development that marks a shift in their understanding of themselves in relation to caregivers. This often occurs when children are learning how to crawl and/or walk.

• Stranger anxiety, the precursor stage to separation anxiety, typically starts as early as 3 months old, but most commonly occurs at 5 months old. Separation anxiety then usually kicks in around 8 months old. It often peaks at 18 months old then can continue into toddlerhood, though often with less intensity.

• Signs of separation anxiety can include: intense crying and clinginess, avoiding a less-preferred caregiver, tantrums, poor sleep, and losing interest in exploring their environment due to stress.

• There are a few ways to help your child with separation anxiety. You can try things like slowly introducing new caregivers, showing confidence in your baby and caregiver before you leave, reassuring your little one that you'll be back before you leave, and avoiding a long goodbye process.