Authoritative vs authoritarian parenting styles

If there is one thing that unites all parents of the world, it's the fact that at one point or the other, we will all struggle with getting a child to listen to what we are saying, follow the rules, or calm down during a tantrum. And the question we all ask ourselves is: How do we get them to cooperate? How can I better help my child through this?

Parenting styles have changed a lot over the years, and thanks to research, we now know that a parenting style focused on exerting control and high on harsh punishments, also known as authoritarian parenting, does not have the best long-term outcomes [1] for children. But what to do? The answer lies in a parenting style with a very similar name: Authoritative parenting.  

Authoritative parenting focuses on having the right balance between boundaries and connection. Parents do not focus only on the limits, but also on being warm and nurturing to their children while setting them. 

IN THIS ARTICLE:

What is authoritarian parenting?

What is authoritative parenting? 

Pros and cons of authoritative vs authoritarian parenting styles

Parenting styles and child development

Authoritative vs authoritarian parenting FAQ

What is authoritarian parenting?

Authoritarian parenting, just like its name suggests, focuses on parents' authority. This style of parenting is high on control and very low on connection, with parents focusing on enforcing rules, punishment, and consequences, rather than on the why behind the behavior.

In authoritarian parenting, children are expected to listen and obey without question, so phrases like “Because I said so” are very common. Parents with an authoritarian style are also more likely to use corporal punishment, which research has shown [2] can have negative effects on children later on. 

Here is an example of authoritarian parenting in a very common scenario: A 2.5 year old is on a playdate and gets upset because another child took their toy and they proceed to hit the other child and rip the toy out of their hands. This behavior is very common and expected of a child this age, but an authoritarian parent will not focus on understanding the child’s emotion or building a skill, instead, they would focus on the punishment and say: We are leaving! You are not playing with any toys for a week. 

What is authoritative parenting?

Authoritative parenting focuses on connection building and limit setting in a warm, encouraging environment [3]. Parents who practice this style of parenting will set boundaries for their children, but they will focus on doing so in a loving way, with realistic expectations and age-appropriate tools and consequences.

When practicing authoritative parenting, parents will first focus on validating a child’s feelings and then setting a boundary with warmth and nurturing characteristics. This parenting style will also focus on connecting with the child before attempting to correct a child’s behavior. 

Let's look at an example of authoritative parenting during bedtime. A 3 year old doesn’t want to stop playing with their truck to go upstairs to get ready for bed and gets upset. Their parent says, “I understand you want to play with your truck, but it is time to get ready for bed. Do you want to crawl up the stairs like an alligator or hop up the stairs like a bunny?” An authoritative parent understands that fighting at bedtime is expected behavior for their child’s age, so they will use age-appropriate tools to help their child transition from one activity to the other and motivate them to cooperate.

Key differences between authoritarian vs. authoritative parenting styles

Authoritative parenting	Authoritarian parenting
Focuses on connection building & limit setting	Focuses on parents' authority
Uses reasoning to explain limit setting	Children are expected to obey "because I said so"
Warmth and nurturing	Cold and non-nurturing
Allows independence for the child within limit setting	May not allow independence & kids are expected not to question their parents

Pros and cons of authoritative vs. authoritarian parenting styles

Authoritative parenting:

Pros: 

• Stronger self-regulation skills and self-confidence

• Better emotional skills for child development

• Better disposition in social environments

• Better decision-making process as adults

• Increased resiliency and leadership skills

Cons:

• If there is too much imbalance, and a lack of limit setting, it can lead to a lack of boundaries 

• Results are not always immediate

• Consistency is needed, which can lead to parental frustration

Authoritarian parenting

Pros:

• Good behavior [4], the child follows rules rapidly (short-term compliance) 

• Increased safety, as a child is more likely to follow rules in risky situations

Cons:

• Reduced self-esteem and anxiety

• Increased aggressiveness [5] toward others

• Children perceive bullying behaviors as normal

• May lead to antisocial behavior as adults

• Children can become rule-dependent and lack self-control

Parenting styles and child development

Your child’s development is impacted by nature (temperament and inherited traits), but also by nurture (their experiences and relationships). How you discipline and interact with your children will have an effect [6] on the way your child develops and interacts with the world. 

Studies have shown that children with authoritarian parents experience decreased self-esteem, anxiety, and aggressive behaviors. On the other hand, studies have shown that children raised by authoritative parents have stronger social and emotional skills, as well as better overall mental health.